rayanamei:

these are all gonna be half-baked, illegible, and probably already better said by someone else thoughts on boyhood

i’m revisiting an old response to a question i wrote about girl bodies/boy traumas as i rewatch eva and i’m thinking particularly about the circumstances of the scenes in which shinji was subject to witness rei’s pain. to thread into that thought, in this rewatch i’m noticing so many more instances i didn’t care to give attention to before about shinji’s contortion into the budding violences of boyhood. in that particular scene, gendo orchestrates a puppet show of shame and coercion with shinji as the subject and rei as the object, and that dynamic has been analyzed to death already, in eva specifically and gender theories more widely.

there seems to me to be still such a tragedy in that, though. eva, over and over, makes critical distinctions between boyhood/girlhood and manhood/womanhood. we’re made to witness shinji programmed into enacting the incursions of boyhood in the name of man — as we’re made to accept how asuka and rei are rendered the recipients of both his boy pleasure and his boy pain (there’s a sharp splinter too with this, asuka becoming shinji’s object of masturbation and rei his object of pain, but they’re tangled in with each other). there are particular moments where he engages with some kind of reflexivity and attempts to refuse to become sustained by these violences while he’s already composed by them. i’m thinking about the way he looks at a bandaged rei upon their first meeting when he holds her and finds his hands covered in her blood, and he looks down at his palms with horror. “this could be you” (boy)/”this is already you” (boy on track to manhood). what misato said: “the robot’s as rude as the man who built it!”

there’s shit that gets passed down spanning trauma to power to love, and often a messy conglomeration of all three and more, and aside from the comfort that delineating an easy ‘perpetrator’ and ‘perpetrated’ might offer, misato might remind us that responsibility must be taken regardless. whatever shit falls on us, whoever put it there, must be acknowledged and carried — not responsibility for responsibility’s sake, not to get our individual selves to an unquestioned somewhere better, but for accountability to those we love (and those we don’t). when misato and ritsuko witness how the violences of hypermodern manhood function, misato observes they occur not through cold blood but through bureaucracy and administration, the “evasion of responsibility” (or the funnier translation: “hot potato situation”), which also aligns with how the neoliberal state has been analyzed to function.

what has become so compelling about eva to me is how it simultaneously amplifies the grotesque pain of rigid and familiar relationship architectures (parent-child, husband-wife, mentor-mentee) while refusing to adjudicate and punish and banish and repress. everybody goes to hell, everybody goes to heaven. we’re made to learn the angels aren’t (only) enemies but kin. but there is also the theme of cyclic reproduction from/of trauma, not even only in an honestly tired freudian way, also in a transformative way. if there aren’t thoughtful, compassionate, sustained efforts to transform relationships and how we connect with each other (negotiating the hedgehog’s dilemma), we’re doomed to continue replicating harm even if we blow the fucking world up and start what we might think to be anew (rebuild). i think some of the most crucial moments in eva are those that can signal to us that we do have the capacity to cultivate those connections and flourish with each other, with all the pain and difficulty that will entail (congratulations!).

as i’m anticipating the end, i actually wonder what could’ve happened if yui via unit-01 hadn’t actually bit gendo’s head off

#meta#nge: i can learn to love myself#nge: who am i?#nge: look at me!#gendo ikari#nge: cycles of hollow joy
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    but for accountability to those we love (and those we don’t).
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